Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
