sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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