I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
