I think scott just propositioned me for sex
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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