I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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