Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
