I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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