ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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