Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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