I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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