I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
