she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
