you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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