i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
third nipple confirmed
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
