Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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