Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
