you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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