We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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