I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
