Buhtt sex?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
