dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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