I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude i'm inner monologue high
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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