Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
