I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize