Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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