I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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