if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
