21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
