I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize