I want to walk on stilts...naked
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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