I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
there is glitter all over my balls
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