In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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