Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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