The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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