highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
