dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
