a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the day after is always just damage control
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
