If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
