even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
