By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
