Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
