Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I think we might need a safe word for this...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize