Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Can I color on your dick again?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
