Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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