so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
