im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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