tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
