I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
