Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
