Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
