he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
