I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
