I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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