So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
