Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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