You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
