Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
