I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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