so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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