I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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